


A True Soldier

by OrmondSacker



Series: Fulcra [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Force-Sensitive Finn, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Philosophical Discussions, Relationship Discussions, discussion of sex, emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:58:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6859693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrmondSacker/pseuds/OrmondSacker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Returned to base after their disastrous mission to Parmai Finn and Poe take the next step in their relationship. But such things are not always easy, they both carry deep wounds and not everyone in the Resistance is happy about Finn's presence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A True Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [indoissetep](https://indoissetep.tumblr.com) for helpful comments.

“-succeeded in making our way off Parmai and back here.”

Having ended his report Poe fell silent. Idly he scratched his chin, the stubbly beard he had grow as a half hearted attempt at disguise was itching like mad.

Finn stood at attention beside him and Poe wanted to tell him that he needn't look so stiff, but the look in his lover's eyes was distant and it suddenly struck him why. Reporting on their mission to Parmai and what had happened to the rebel cell were all to likely to have brought back memories of Jakku.

The thoughts made Poe want to kick himself. He should have thought of that before now, what seeing those holos must have made Finn remember, but he had been so lost in his own worries that it hadn't occurred to him.

General Organa tapped her datapad with her stylus and Poe's attention snapped back to the present.

“Did you find out how deeply the First Order broke your cover?”

“We didn't exactly stick around to do in-depth inquiries, General.”

“Understandable Commander Dameron. I wouldn't want either of you to risk your lives further than they had been, but it would be good to know whether they knew you were Resistance or just thought you were common smugglers. It might give us an idea how and where the cover was broken.”

Finn shook himself out of his reverie.

“General, it's unlikely that they knew we were Resistance. The First Order might decide to give up on a pair of smugglers thinking they could always get them another day even if by some miracle they'd survived, but a pair of Resistance fighters? No. They'd never have stopped searching for us at the wreckage if they'd believed that.”

The general nodded and rose.

“There is some comfort in that. At least that would mean that any potential leak did not come from here.”

“You mean we're clear for spies?” Poe asked.

“For now. How long that lasts remains an open question. The problem with getting more people is that not everyone might be trustworthy.”

“And the problem with _not_ getting them is that we lose.” Poe followed with a grim smile.

“An astute summary, Commander.” Leia sighed. “Gentlemen I believe that Bryce would like a report from both of you at some point, but unless you have something to add I suggest we end here.”

They both shook their heads.

“Dismissed.”

Outside in the corridor Poe stopped Finn with a hand on his arm.

“Are you alright?”

Finn frowned.

“Yeah. Why?”

“You were pretty quiet in there. You've been pretty quiet the last few days too.”

“You had things covered in there, not much for me to add. Haven't really had much to say the last few days either. You can only discuss the plot of Galactic Round-ups so many times,” he finished with a grin. “It never really occurred to me how _boring_ space travel is before.”

“Parsecs and parsecs of parsecs and parsecs,” Poe offered.

“Yes.”

“Try that from the inside of an X-Wing.”

Finn's grin grew wider.

“I never understood why they put hyperdrives on snub fighters.”

“They're handy when you need to get away in a hurry and you don't need carries so it makes moving troops easier, but they don't make for pleasant long-distance travel.”

“I can imagine.”

They started walking in silence once more and again it felt slightly strained to Poe.

“There is something bothering you, isn't there?”

“No. Well, not really.” Finn took a deep breath. “Okay, yes. Sort of. You said that we could start sleeping together, as in actually sleeping, whenever I wanted.”

“Yes?” Poe looked at Finn. The younger man looked nervous as he continued.

“So, can we? Sleep together I mean?”

“Of course. Your place or mine?”

“Yours,” Finn grinned. “The bed is larger and you don't share.”

“Never understood why you chose a room mate.”

“Always slept with at least three other guys in the room, even as a kid. Sleeping alone felt weird even in med bay, used to other people snoring.”

“I don't snore that I know of. I can do you some spectacular nightmares now and again though.”

“Me too,” Finn said, suddenly looking sober.

Poe stopped and pulled Finn in close, wrapping his arms around the younger man's waist. Finn's arms came up around Poe's shoulders, one hand caressing the pilot's neck and Poe pulled him in for a short kiss. Breaking apart again, Poe gave him a small smile.

“Nightmares aside you can move in whenever you like.”

The surprised look on Finn's face made Poe think that he might have been presumptuous, that Finn had intended to keep his quarters at least for now.

“I just meant that-”

Finn's bright smile made him break off.

“I'd love to. Just didn't expect it.”

“What that I would let sleep in my quarters, but not live there.”

Finn shrugged.

“You seem to have a lot of requirements so I wasn't sure.”

“I have one, specifically for sex. Doesn't seem like a whole lot.”

“Well, it's one more than I'm used to. Not that I'm really used to anything with relationships.”

“Cariño, I want you in every way. That requirement is the only one I have, I promise you.”

The young man looked unaccountably nervous and Poe raised one hand to caress his cheek before pulling him into a kiss.

“People are gonna talk though if I move in,” Finn muttered against his lips.

“We're kissing in the middle of a hallway, they're already talking.”

He could feel Finn's smile.

“True.”

Breaking the kiss Finn buried his face at Poe's neck, just holding him in his arms and for the first time since before they left Parmai Poe felt relaxed and at ease, even the constant low burning headache was all but gone, and when Finn pulled away he sighed softly in regret.

Finn gave him a worried look.

“Are _you_ okay?”

“I seem to have a constant headache these days,” Poe answered, then quickly continued before Finn could voice more concern. “I'll have Kalonia look at me. Promise.” He'd mention it when he asked her for a medical checkup. “But please, move in when you want to.”

Finn smiled.

“You'll likely find my stuff when you get back from medical then.”

Poe grinned at the not so subtle hint. He pulled Finn in for one last kiss then let him go with a small push.

“You go do your thing and I'll go do mine,” he said before heading off.

It seemed that whatever anger Finn had had over his foolish stunt on Parmai was truly gone, unlike Poe's own worry which was still very much present.

 

**oOoOo**

 

Finn watched as Poe headed towards the medical bunker, frowning slightly. He wasn't sure why, but he got the sense that there was more than a chronic headache worrying Poe. Of course, if the pilot refused to talk there wasn't a whole lot Finn could do.

_Maybe when sharing rooms he'd get a chance to corner him?_

Thought of sharing room with Poe made Finn smile and a giddy feeling spread in his chest.

Of course there were a few technicalities first.

He supposed he strictly speaking didn't have to do them right now, no one was going to lecture him if he put off doing the formalities till tomorrow. The Resistance was so lenient with many of the procedures he was used that it seemed to him to be made up of chaos and confusion at times and it left him wondering how anything worked, or got done. But somehow it did.

Still doing things the proper way made him feel better and it gave him a chance to talk to Sheera again. He had been missing the grumpy Twi'lek.

Trailing through the base he saw a number of familiar faces such as Lieutenant Piicha, a Sullustese comm officer, and Taahn Dhoc one of the human infantry soldiers, all of whom greeted him warmly. These were mixed with a number of new ones, no doubt some of those newcomers that general Organa had mentioned.

As he passed the comm bunker he saw Snap arguing with his stepdaughter Kaydel. They were down wind so Finn could hear no more than one word out of five, but judging from tone and body language it was an argument they had had before, so many times that it had become a habit.

Finn wondered what that was like, having argued with them so many times that you knew how it was going to run.

_And what must it be like fighting along side your family? People you loved and cared for, people you had know your whole life?_

Stormtroopers grew up in a form of clan, twenty children in one unit, but they were broken up when formal training started at age twelve and again when they formed their fire teams at age sixteen. Both times he had felt broken hearted at loosing the people he had grown close to, but none of the others had shown to be much affected only caring about the next step in their training.

_Or maybe they, like him, didn't dare show it openly?_

He was startled out of his thoughts as someone walked straight into him, knocking hard against his shoulder.

“Watch where you're going Stormtrooper,” the other man snarled.

 _Lieutenant Bricks? Breens? Bryn?_ Finn couldn't remember the name, but he recalled the face. The man had been staring angrily at him in the mess more than once.

“Excuse me? There's more than enough space to pass me without walking straight into me.” From experience he knew that there was only one way to deal with bullies like this man, confront them. If you gave in they'd just keep on coming.

The man stopped and turned, his pale face twisted by a snarl.

“And you could have got out of the way, but you think you own it all don't you? You have Commander Dameron wrapped around your finger and General Organa eating out of your hand so you think you're safe, but _I_ know you for what you are. Stormtrooper.”

Finn kept his face impassive, but inside he was unsure how to respond. He had the rank to tell the lieutenant to stand down, but he didn't want to be the kind of officer who was know for using his rank when challenged. Still he knew better than to think that reason would get through. No, he had to try a different approach.

“Tell me something, Lieutenant. Why are you here?”

The other man frowned.

“Why did you join the Resistance? Why do you _fight_?”

“Not a reason you'd understand.”

“Try me.”

“Because your kind destroy everything in your path. Because you never stop until someone stops _you_.”

“So you fight because you hate them?”

“I told you you wouldn't get it.”

“Where does it end then?”

The lieutenant looked puzzled.

“When do you stop fighting?” Finn pressed.

“When you're all dead.”

“All. How many is that. All the common infantry soldiers and pilots? The children that was kidnapped from families by the First Order to be trained as future troops? The civilians on the planets that the First Order have taken over? Where does the killing end?”

“Don't twist my words!”

“I'm not. I'm asking you a question. Where. Does. It. End. How much blood is enough for you?”

With a snarl the lieutenant stepped forward and Finn instinctively shifted his feet, preparing for a fight, but their confrontation was interrupted by the loud voice of Kaydel Ko Connix.

“Hey, Brans! Don't you have somewhere you need to be?”

Finn took his eyes off Brans long enough to see the young, blonde woman leaning against a bunker, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Nothing to do with you, Lieutenant.” Brans never took his eyes off Finn as he spoke.

“Everything to do with me, with all of us. The Resistance is about stopping the First Order, not making bloodbaths.”

“Part of his fanclub eh? Why don't you talk to your parent's about it, girl. They fought the Empire, they know what guys like him is like.”

“Have. Dad says the same thing. I can go get him if you want to hear him say it?”

Finally Brans tore his eyes off Finn and he looked angrily towards the young woman.

“Why don't any of you _see_ it?” Brans snapped. “People like him can never be trusted. Ever. If he's willing to turn once he'd do it again.”

Finn could see the temper flaring in Kaydel's eyes. Wanting to head off that fight before it happened he put a hand on the lieutenant's shoulder, turning him back to face him.

“Your problem is with me, Lieutenant Brans. And if my presence bothers you so much I suggest you file a complaint. General Organa isn't the only ranking officer in the Resistance and I have hardly had time to corrupt everyone, now have I?”

Finn calmly held Brans' gaze for a moment, then stepped back and let go. Brans' wavered uncertainly between Finn and Kaydel for several seconds before turning on his heel with a snarl and stomping off.

Watching disappear around the corner of a building Finn exhaled slowly before turning to Kaydel.

“Thanks. It wasn't necessary, but thanks anyway.”

Bouncing off the wall, she smiled and walked up to him.

“No problem. And don't let Brans get to you, he's a moofmilker.”

“Did Snap say that too?”

“Yes, but he'd be having kittens if he heard me say it. He doesn't like it when I swear.”

“Was that what you were arguing about? I saw you just before.”

Kaydel's face fell.

“No, it was nothing really. Stiletto Squadron should have been back by now, but they're way overdue. So he's worried about mom. Well we both are, difference is I'm used to it.”

Finn frowned in confusion. He knew from Poe that Karé Kun and her squadron had left on some very hush, hush mission a few days before everything with Starkiller Base went down and they'd been away ever since but he hadn't realised Kaydel's mom flew with them.

“Back home they both flew in the planetary defence,” Connix continued. “I always knew that there might come a day where one or both wouldn't come back. But dad's used to having mom on his wing, having her away for this long isn't easy on him. He's taking it pretty well all things considered but... It's the not knowing that gets to him I think.” Kaydel's eyes grew distant. “If we knew that they were dead then he could grieve, but the lack of knowledge leaves us both in a limbo so we start snapping at each other.”

Finn put a hand on her shoulder.

“I'm sure they're fine. Maybe they're having trouble finding us after we moved base.”

Kaydel shook her head.

“There are contingency plans for that. Even if they showed up at D'Qar after we moved they'd know how to find us again. Something's happened.”

Sniffing she hooked her arm around his.

“Thanks for trying to cheer me up though. Now. Weren't you headed somewhere too?”

“Yeah, Sheera. I'm... well I'm changing quarters and I thought I'd better say something.”

“Finally,” Kaydel grinned and Finn realised that it was going to be all over base before dinner. Not that it mattered, word would have spread by dawn anyway.

“You just got yourself an escort,” she continued as she started pulling him off. “I wouldn't miss this for the world.”

 

**oOoOo**

 

“Tell me Commander, how are you feeling in general?” Kalonia asked as she studied the results of her scans. “Apart from the headaches you mentioned do you have any aches or pains?”

“None without a physical cause.”

“Appetite?”

“Normal.”

“Do you have problems falling asleep?”

“No, not more than normal.”

“And that would mean...”

“After a battle or other stressful situation I do have problems falling asleep, but I've always been that way. Too keyed up to sleep. I usually go for a run, or do something other physically demanding. I can normally sleep after that. Other than that, not really.”

“Nightmares?”

Poe swallowed.

“You mean about the _Finalizer_?”

“I mean in general Commander.”

“Sometimes.”

Kalonia gave him an exasperated look.

“You know, this would go a lot quicker if I didn't have to drag everything out of you, Poe.”

He nodded, acquiescing.

“I don't have them every night, but when I do have them I have them multiple times in one night. Don't ask me what I dream I can never remember them, but I wake up sweating and... terrified. Even if I calm down enough to sleep the dreams just come back and I wake up again so I've started not bothering. I just read instead.”

The doctor nodded. Putting down her datapad she studied him.

“I confess Commander that I am somewhat puzzled about why you are here. You are not the type to seek medical assistance without something being seriously wrong with you and for something as simple as a headache you would be taking painkillers and waiting for it to pass. Even if it proved chronic it would take you more than a couple of weeks to come see me. So tell me Poe, why are you really here?”

Poe slipped down from the examination table and shifted uncomfortably on his feet.

“During the mission to Parmai I... I lost it.”

Kalonia frowned and Poe briefly summarized the events in the cantina.

“And this bothers you?” she asked.

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“ _Why?_ Because I _completely_ lost control of myself and nearly... nearly got both of us killed. If it happens again... It can't. It _can't_ happen again.” As he spoke he started pacing back and forth until Kalonia stopped him by grabbing him by the shoulder.

“So you have never lost control of yourself before?”

“Not like this,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“I see. Poe, you have been under a lot of strain lately. You have been running missions nearly non-stop for months. You have been captured by the First Order, tortured and nearly died in that timespan. I know general Organa would not ask something of you that you wouldn't give, but you are a man who gives his all. You're wearing down Poe. This, the loss of control, your headaches, might very well be your body's way of telling you to _stop_. That you need to slow down and _breathe_. You're displaying the beginning symptoms of stress, if you don't _that_ could very well become chronic.”

“As things look an extended holiday is not on the table.”

“While a holiday would be ideal less could still help a great deal. Don't take on more than you can handle, stop overworking yourself. And let that young man of yours take care of you, he obviously wants to.”

“You'd think I was old enough to look after myself?”

“Clearly not,” Kalonia retaliated drily. “Well, you came here for my advice and this is it. Whether you take it is up to you, but the only cure for being human that I know of is becoming a cyborg and I don't recommend that one.”

Poe chuckled softly at that as he left. She had a point, he probably had been doing too much. It had seemed to be necessary, still did but.. maybe it was time he cooled his heels. Just a little bit.

 

**oOoOo**

 

Finn was surprised at how much stuff he had accumulated over the last couple of weeks. It probably wasn't a lot compared to what most people owned, but he was used to not even really owning the clothes he wore – they were issued centrally and not personal belongings in the First Order – so between the spare sets of clothes, bedding, the pieces of knick-knack that Jess had given him, his uniform and weapon it amounted to quite an armful.

Kaydel had been called back to the comm centre so he was alone in moving. He could have gone twice, but part of him refused to believe that he could have hoarded that much stuff in the brief time he'd been free.

Still in was almost more than he could carry in his arms.

The door to his old room only slid partly shut behind him as he exited, the humidity of Istyls' atmosphere was wrecking havoc with the electronics. He turned and managed to push it shut with one foot, but the movement unbalanced him due to his load. Taking a step back to regain it he bumped into someone and had to put one hand on the wall not to fall over, dropping everything he was carrying.

He righted himself and turned around. “Stars, I'm sorry I didn't see-” Only to immediately break off when he saw that the person he had almost knocked down was general Organa.

“Ma'am, I-” he stuttered, feeling his face heat and his heart began to pound in panics, but she merely smiled.

“Moving quarters?” she asked mildly as she nodded towards his things lying on the floor.

He swallowed convulsively.

“Erm, yes. I- It seems- I can't believe how much stuff I got, I thought I could carry it all at once.”

“Belongings do have a way of accumulating.” She knelt down and started picking up some of the things.

“General that really isn't necessary. I can-”

Leia cut him off with a look.

“You can consider the mortification you're feeling disciplining for running me down. Now, I assume you don't intend for me to carry all of it, Captain.”

Finn picked up his two shirts, a pair of pants, his pillow and blaster nearly dropping the last item again, his hands made clumsy by his nerves.

Rising with her own armful, Leia looked at him.

“Commander Dameron's quarters?”

Her words were as much a statement as a question but Finn still nodded.

If any of the people they passed was in any way surprised at seeing their general helping carrying things none of them gave any indication and Finn was glad they didn't draw attention. This was embarrassing enough without him _ever_ having to explain it.

In Poe's room general Organa unceremoniously dumped her armload on the pilot's bed. Finn laid down his things with slightly more care then stood silently shifting from foot to foot, not quite sure what to do with himself. Being alone with a high ranking officer in his private quarters was not a situation he was familiar with. Not that it would have helped him, the general rarely behaved the way he expected high ranking officers to do.

Leia gave him an evaluating look he had no idea what meant, before sitting down on the bed.

“I confess that I did not come look for you to help you move.”

“Ma'am?”

“Finn, please sit down.” She padded the bed next to her. “And you can dispense with the formalities, this is a private visit.”

He sat tentatively down beside her on the bed.

“This move I take it, means that you relationship with Poe has taken a serious step forward.”

Finn swallowed. _Was there some sort of fraternization rule that Poe hadn't told him about?_

Leia's next words made Finn wonder if she'd been reading his thoughts.

“You have no need to worry, you haven't done anything wrong. What people here do with eachother is none of my business as long as it's consensual and doesn't interfere with their duties.”

“It doesn't. Won't. Ma'am, Leia. Sorry.”

Addressing her by first name felt strange and slightly uncomfortable to Finn, but she had asked him to drop formal address.

“Nor am I here to pry. But I do have a personal request to make of you. I have no right as your commanding officer to ask this of you, so I'm asking as someone I hope you'd consider a friend.”

“If I can.”

Leia smiled.

“Do what you can to make sure Poe takes care of himself.”

“I don't follow.”

“I worry about him, Finn. What... my son did to him, is something that is going to leave marks for a long time, possibly scars that will never fully vanish. And when the Hosnia system was destroyed so was a lot of the Republic's fleet, he lost a lot of old friends on that day.”

She sighed.

“Poe has the tendency to put everyone else before himself. That is not always a good thing to do.”

From her tone it sounded as if she were talking from personal experience.

“Sooner or later what he has been through is going to tell and when that time comes he needs to be kind to himself, but he is the type of person that doesn't take kindly failure in himself. So I'm asking you to help him to accept that if you can.”

Finn looked down at his hands that lay clasped in his lap. Neither he nor Poe had included their run-in with the Zabrak and his henchmen, it hadn't really felt relevant, but Leia's words made Finn wonder if it had already begun to tell.

“I'll do what I can for him, with him. Always. But, ma'am. Leia. Can I ask you why _you_ don't have that talk with him?”

“I would if I thought it'd do the least bit of good. But I know while he'd listen politely, he wouldn't hear a word of what I was saying.”

Finn frowned again, unable to follow her reasoning.

“Finn, I'm his idol, you're his boyfriend. He sees me as a legend, not a human being.”

“I don't think you're entirely correct in that, ma- Leia.”

“Maybe not, but he sees me _more_ as a legend than a person. _And_ he's a stubborn man. Any personal appeal I make will fall on deaf ears. I could make it an order, but I know he'd ignore it until it was far too late. You on the other hand can appeal to his heart in way I cannot. I'm hoping you will be able to get through.”

“I'll do my best. I love him.”

Leia put a hand on his arm and squeezed it lightly.

“I know. And thank you. I would remind you to take care of yourself as well, but over all you strike me as far too sensible not to do that,” she said with a smile as she rose from the bed. “I'll stop embarrassing you now and let you get your things sorted out.”

Watching the door slide shut behind her Finn smiled and shook his head, not entirely believing the conversation he just had. Then he too rose and stared putting his things away, he wanted the bed clear for when Poe came back. There was a couple of conversation they needed to have and he preferred it if they could be comfortable while having them.

 

**oOoOo**

 

As he stepped into his room, Poe saw Finn place the two small Egrerian figurines that Jess had given him on the nightstand. The young man turned and smiled at him and the pilot smiled in return. The sight of Finn dressed comfortably in black fatigues and ditto short sleeved shirt, making himself at home, was a sight Poe treasured and for a second he simply looked at the younger man, something that earned him a questioning stare.

Stepping forward he wrapped his arms around Finn's waist and pulled him in for a kiss.

“I heard wild rumors flying about the base that you were moving in.”

“I seem to remember someone inviting me.”

“You most certainly do.”

Finn kissed him back and the simple ease of it made Poe's heart sing. Releasing him again Finn studied Poe's face.

“Did you talk to Kalonia yet?”

Poe exhaled slowly. Finn was certainly not someone for beating around the bush.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Stress. Probably.” He left out the other part of what Kalonia had said, he didn't want to start a discussion about Kylo Ren, the _Finalizer_ or anything to do with any of that.

Finn nodded. “It's been some hard and hectic weeks, hasn't it? And...” Poe could positively hear Finn searching for the right words. “You lost a lot of friends, didn't you? Not just at Starkiller Base, but when the Hosnia system blew too.”

_Really not one for beating around the bush._

Being reminded made a sharp pain flare in Poe's chest.

Shaking his head Poe disentangled himself from Finn.

“I'd rather not talk about it.” He stroked one hand across his stubbled chin. “Listen, I'm going to shave this pelt off. I don't really think it suits me.”

Finn grabbed his wrist, holding it lightly.

“Poe? You do know you can talk to me right? About anything.”

His chest tightened and it was suddenly hard to breathe.

“I know,” he whispered. “I just- I don't want to think about it right now.” And he hadn't. Since Starkiller Base he'd tired very hard to keep busy and think of everything else, but the baldfaced confrontation by Finn brought the memories treacherously close.

“You're going to have to think about it some time,” Finn said softly.

There was the lightest of tugs on his wrist, pulling him towards Finn and without meaning to he followed it, back into the young man's arms.

“I'm not even sure who's dead and who isn't,” he heard himself say, his voice sounding oddly distant to his own ears. “Because we're hiding, no direct communications comes in or out, so... information have been sparse. And-” His voice broke.

Poe bit his lip trying to choke back a sob, but he could no longer hold back the tears, his chest burning with grief.

Finn turned him and wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders, tangling one hand in the pilot's hair. Poe buried his head at Finn's shoulder as he cried.

He knew that Irden was dead and she'd served aboard the _Protector_ , so that meant that Tonl and Rek probably were too though he'd heard no word about either of them. And Olaac was dead too, along with all of Épée Squadron.

And of course all of the people in the Hosnia system and the planets them selves were now so much space debris. The Esplanada in front of the Senate building, surrounded by Waluu trees with their delicate coral leaves, trees he and Keeran had so often kissed under.

 _Lieutenant Keeran Muran._ Not dead in that attack, but his blood still on the hands of the First Order.

So many people, so many places, that he had know and loved, all of them gone now. And for the first time Poe let himself feel the pain of their loss and dared grieve for them, knowing now that there was someone here to help put him together after.

Finn's body was warm and alive against his, and his embrace felt like a safe heaven to Poe. The young man quietly kept hold of him while he cried, caressing his hair and back.

He wasn't sure how long he cried, but in the end the stream of tears dried out. Not because his grief came to an end, but because he had no more left. Still his breath was harsh and gasping.

Poe realised they were lying on the bed, his head resting on Finn's chest. Finn must have somehow managed to move them there. The pilot felt cold to the bone and couldn't stop shaking despite the warmth bleeding from Finn's body into his and he wondered if his cold was leaking back into Finn. It made him consider moving, he didn't want Finn to feel that bone deep chill, but Finn's arms were locked tightly around him, holding him close and Poe was to grateful for the warmth to struggle much.

“Do you want to talk?” Finn asked softly.

“Not much to say is there? They're dead and they're never coming back,” Poe replied, his words broken by ragged breaths. His face twisted into a grimace and his chest clenched painfully again.

Finn rolled them over so they were on their sides and curled himself around Poe, cradling the pilot's head against chest as he bent his head and kissed Poe's hair.

“I know. I know.” Finn's whispered words gusted across Poe's ear, his breath like a warm gentle breeze that somehow succeeded in thawing his frozen core. Lying there, soaking in Finn's warmth, felt like sitting under the Force tree back home, it made him feel safe and loved. His pain didn't vanish, but it no longer felt as if it were breaking him.

“Thank you,” he muttered against Finn's chest.

Finn scooted down so they lay face to face, but still kept close hold of his boyfriend.

“I'm sorry,” Poe said.

“For what? Being human? Needing to lean on someone? Looking after yourself? Having someone look after _you_?”

Poe gave a weak snort.

“Did you talk to Kalonia too? Because you sound awfully like her.”

“Well then, if two people tell you the same thing they might be right you know.”

“Hmmm.”

Poe sighed and snuggled closer to Finn if such were possible. The younger man tightened his arms gently around the pilot's shoulders, cuddling him in silence. Outside they could both hear the sounds of a normal afternoon on the base: people talking while going to and fro, vehicles passing, animal cries from the jungle, but in their own room there was only the sound of their breathing. It felt comfortable and relaxing and Poe felt like he never wanted to move.

In the end his itching beard got him moving though. Reluctantly he pulled away from Finn's embrace, sat up and looked down on the younger man.

“I really need to shave, this itching is driving me crazy.”

Giving a small smile Finn reached up and ran a hand across the stubbly beard.

“I kinda like it. The scratching feels nice.”

Poe chuckled.

“Not even for you, cariño. Not even for you.”

He felt better now than he had in weeks. Not whole, but like a deep wound had started to heal. Pressing a kiss against the palm of Finn's hand Poe rose from the bed and went to the fresher.

 

The slow, methodical slide of the razor removing the week old stubble, felt soothing and with each bit disappearing Poe felt more like himself.

He heard Finn come into the fresher, but the young man remained standing by the doorway silently looking at the pilot for a minute before walking up behind Poe and wrapping his arms around him, hooking his chin over Poe's shoulder.

“Mmm, you smell good,” Finn muttered.

“Don't get too handsy before I'm done here.”

Finn buried his nose at Poe's neck and the gusts of his breath tickled the pilot's skin.

“Or nosy.”

“Not quite what that word means.” Finn's words were muffled against Poe's skin, but still he stopped. Instead he turned his head so their eyes met in the mirror.

“Let me finish here and I'll be all yours,” Poe said with a smile. He felt calmer now, more balanced, and the chance of cuddling with Finn was definitely something that held his interest.

He saw the small frown form between Finn's eyebrows at his words, the one he for unexplained reason found utterly adorable and always felt the urge to kiss.

“How are you feeling?”

“I'm... better.” Poe ran a hand across Finn's. “Thank you.” He got a small smile and another nuzzle in return.

“You know,” Finn continued. “I was thinking... could we have your requirement conversation?” Finn asked. “I would like to have it... well, out of the way. Not that anything have to happen, not tonight. But that way we can pick _our_ time.”

Poe lowered the razor and met Finn's eyes in the mirror.

“Do you feel up to it?” Poe asked.

He felt Finn's chest press against his back as the young man took a deep breath.

“I'm as ready as I'll ever be. What about you? I know it might be a bit much after the one we just had, but...” Finn fell silent.

Poe considered as he continued shaving. He wasn't sure he was up for another round of emotional upheaval, but Finn _had_ said nothing bad had happened. And they would be sleeping next to eachother from now on so _not_ having anything happen would be becoming a lot harder. Having the option to... yeah, that would be nice.

Poe could feel his face color at the thought and he was certain Finn noticed it.

Lowering the razor he caught Finn's eyes in the mirror again and smiled.

“Yeah, we can talk.”

Finn's shy, eager smile only served to convince him it was the right decision.

“Okay. Good. I'll let you get done here then, okay?” Finn dropped quick kiss on Poe's shoulder before leaving.

 

When Poe returned to their room he found Finn lying on the bed, feet bare but otherwise still dressed and looking very nervous.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed Poe kicked off his own boots as he reached out, pulled Finn close and nuzzled his neck.

“I won't bite,” he muttered. “I promise. Not unless you ask me to.”

Finn let out a shaky breath and Poe felt it huff against the side of his face in a tantalizing way.

“And if I ask you to?” Finn asked.

Pulling back he cupped Finn's face with one hand and ran a thumb across the young man's cheek, making Finn shiver.

“Then I'd ask you where and how hard you'd want me to bite you?”

“I don't think I want you to. Apart from the nibbling, I like it when you nibble my ear.”

Finn smiled softly as he spoke and Poe raised a finger to run it along the shell of the young man's ear, which earned him another shiver. He could see the rapid pulse in the vein on Finn's neck and how his pupils were slightly dilated. Poe felt his own heart rate speed up, his breath beginning to come short.

“What do you like?” Finn asked.

The question, so innocently phrased lit Poe's blood on fire with ideas for what he'd like Finn to do. _Finn kissing him again, letting his hands slide up under his shirt, pull it over his head and just-_

Poe slapped the thought down. He'd better get his impulses under control or this would get out of hand and he _would not_ screw up their first time just because his body and brain had decided to start acting like he was sixteen again.

Taking a deep breath he took hold of Finn's hand.

“Your hands, I really like your hands. They're so gentle and kind.”

“My hands? What would you like from my hands then?” Finn tangled his fingers with Poe's. “Where would you like me to put them?”

“All over.” Poe noticed how hoarse and heated his voice sounded. “You really are a natural at this.”

Finn grinned.

“We're at the fun part. The one about what we like.”

“Well what don't you like?”

The question had to be asked and Poe knew he needed to do some cooling off, his libido was getting completely out of hand in a way he that left him uneasy. Finn was sweet and sexy and attractive, but so had more than one of his previous boyfriends and never before had he had a problem with controlling his impulses as much as right now.

Finn looked away, squeezing Poe's hand for comfort.

“I... I don't like getting gagged. When I...” Finn shifted uncomfortably. “...you know.”

“No I don't know,” Poe said gently. “Which is why I need you to tell me. Would it be easier if we weren't looking at each other?”

Finn nodded.

“Yeah, it might.”

Poe rolled onto the bed, seating himself against the headboard and Finn shuffled up so he was sitting between Poe's legs, his head resting on the pilot's chest. Poe gently wrapped his arms around Finn, lightly resting his hands on the young man's chest.

“Talk to me.”

Finn took a deep breath. “When I suck someone off.” The words came out so rushed that Poe almost couldn't pick them apart.

“You don't have to give me a blowjob if you don't like it.”

“I don't mind it. I mean, I didn't do it that often so... It's really just that gagging. I don't like being chocked.”

“Well, if we ever do that, just pin my hips down.”

The was a brief silence before Finn continued. “Some guys don't like that.”

Poe felt a spark of temper flare up, but quashed it instantly. It was neither the place nor the time for him to get angry.

“I told you I had a thing for your hands, didn't I?” He was thankful that he had focused on them as the first thing.

Finn shifted around and looked at him.

“You like being held down?”

“In general? No, but with that specific thing? Yes, I like my partner having that control. And I _really_ , really like your hands.”

Finn nodded, simply accepting Poe's words and settled down again.

“What don't _you_ like?” Finn asked.

“Being hurt. Apart from you nibbles. I like being nibbled too.”

He didn't have to see Finn's face to know that he was frowning.

“You think that... that I'd hurt you.” The low note of concern mixed with outrage made Poe feel oddly warm.

“No, but you asked what I didn't like. And that's the only thing really. There are things like bottoming that doesn't do much for me, but I don't dislike it as such. And there's plenty of stuff I haven't tried.” Poe sighed. “ I suppose some would call me conservative, but I haven't had a whole lot of partners and I have my favorites that I like to revisit. Not adverse to experimenting though.”

Poe heard a very small 'oh' from Finn at that and he couldn't hold back a grin.

“I just thought-” Finn cut himself short.

“Thought what?”

“Well...” Finn shifted uncomfortably again. “You had your whole life out here, you could do what you wanted.”

Poe suddenly felt like he was treading on very thin ice.

“Yes. And I only want to have sex with someone who matters to me. I never saw the point in a quick roll in the hay. Not going to judge what others do, whatever floats people's boat, but I realised early on that it was not for me. It's meaningless to me if I don't love that person.”

Poe tugged at Finn shoulder getting him to turn.

“When you get me, you get all of me Finn.”

Poe firmly held the young man's gaze. He could feel his stomach fold in on itself, but there was something he needed to say. If this wasn't what Finn wanted, if Poe had failed make his intention clear and Finn was just looking for something casual then they needed to get it clear now and Finn deserved a chance to get out before he got himself in deeper than he might want to.

“If you want to back out-”

“No!” The word came out loud and sharp.

“No, I don't want to back out.” Finn raised one hand and ran it across Poe's cheek. “Not ever. I want this. You. All of it. I just... I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I hadn't been taken? If any of my family is still alive and... if they worry about me still? I'm _happy_ with my life as it is now, but I suppose I wish that... that I could tell them that I'm okay.” Finn smiled slightly. “And that I've met this great guy.”

Poe tightened his grip around Finn.

“We'll find them. Somehow. I promise.”

Finn's smile grew sad and his eyes distant.

“Maybe.”

Finn shuffled around so he lay with his front pressed against Poe's side, head resting on his shoulder. Finn let one hand rest on Poe's hipbone and the pilot relished the heat soaking through and the feel of the firm fingers curling around the bone. He dropped his own on top, letting his thumb rub circles on the back of it.

“This wasn't what were supposed to talk about you know,” Finn muttered, his face pressed against Poe's chest. “Can we go back to the original topic?”

For a moment Poe considered pursuing the matter, it was clear that it was something that weighed on Finn's mind. But only for a second, as it was equally clear from his tone that Finn wasn't ready to talk about it just yet. So instead he said, “No. Where were we?”

“Have we messed around with what we don't like enough? Can we go back to the fun topic?”

“Do you have something to add to the not-fun topic?”

“Not really.”

Poe remained silent and after a moment Finn sighed.

“You know I told you nothing awful happened?”

“Yes.”

“Well, not much of _anything_ ever happened. I have had sex, I'm not completely a virgin but-” The young man shifted awkwardly. “I wasn't very popular. I- I know a lot of stuff I'd like to try, I just... haven't. Yet. With anyone.”

Poe could practically feel the nerves radiating off Finn. So the main 'problem' here was inexperience. That made him feel a lot less nervous himself, inexperience he could deal with.

Tilting Finn's face up so the young man looked up at him.

“We can try whatever you want as long as you promise me one thing.”

“Yeah?”

“If you don't like something, tell me.”

Finn shot him an impatient look and snorted semi-amused.

“You think I'd put up with something I didn't like, even from you? And that after everything, having to wrangle to even get you to this point, you think I'd fail to notice how important it is for you that I like things too? Yeah, I'll tell you.”

Poe felt a blush creep over his face. Maybe he _was_ being a little overcautious.

“Good.” He ran a finger over Finn's cheek. “So of the things you have tried, anything you care to repeat?”

“Erm well, I'd like your mouth on me.”

“Anywhere in particular?”

“Wherever you fancy,” Finn muttered.

“Hmmm.” Poe nuzzled the top of Finn's head. “There's quite a few places I'd like to put it.”

Finn looked back up at him, eyes suddenly playful and Poe felt a flash of heat pass through him.

“Well, you can.”

Dropping his head down Poe lent in and pressed his lips against Finn's.

“I like being kissed,” Poe murmured.

“Really,” Finn muttered, still kissing him. “Hadn't noticed.”

“I mean all over.”

Finn pulled back and looked stunned at him for second but before Poe could think of retracting his words Finn broke into a wide grin.

“We're _definitely_ doing that.”

The young man gave him another quick kiss.

“You're making it very hard to keep my hands off you, you know.”

“Mmmf. We're having this discussion... so we won't... have... to keep our hands off.”

They kissed for a time, their kisses growing deeper and more heated until Poe broke away. This wasn't entirely done yet.

“Any other wishes you want to add?”

“A ton of things I'd like to try, but we can take those at leisure. You?”

“Just one.” Poe shifted them about so they were lying side by side, then moved Finn's hands so they were resting on the pilot's back. “I really like it when you pet my back.”

Grinning Finn ran his hand down Poe's back until his palm rested just above the waist of Poe's pants.

“So?” the young man asked and Poe felt his pulse speed up even further.

There was a thousand reasons why this was a bad idea, why now wasn't the time. He still felt raw and shaken from his earlier breakdown, they were only just dipping their toes into this. But Finn was lying there, so close, so eager. Saying no felt impossible.

He shuffled closer so their chests were almost touching and put one hand on the back of Finn's neck.

“So.” Poe felt a grin that matched Finn's spread on his face as he leaned in for a kiss.

It was soft and warm, and cut short far too soon by the door swishing open and an annoyed BB-8 rolling in, beeping irritatedly.

Both of them leapt in surprise. Poe looked Finn straight in the eye and they both broke into helpless laughter. BB-8 came to a dead stop and Poe could almost hear the astromech's circuits sparking in confusion.

_[Are you having sex?]_

The droid's question made Poe laugh even harder. The word 'sex' technically didn't exist in droid speak, astromechs had little use and normally less frame of reference for it, so BB-8 had used the word for fun, but it was clear from his tone what _kind_ of fun he meant.

Finn sobered enough to be able to speak.

“What- what did he just say?”

“We got asked about the state of our sex life.” Poe forced the word out between helpless chuckles.

Finn looked over Poe's shoulder at the droid.

“It would be a whole lot better if you hadn't just interrupted.”

BB-8's insulted _[Well, you should lock the door if you don't want interruptions]_ set Poe off again, which served to make Finn laugh again as well.

Catching his breath, Finn looked at Poe as they both wiped away tears.

“Why are we laughing?”

“I don't know, maybe we're hysterical?”

“Maybe?”

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe and leaned his forehead against his shoulder, Poe embraced him in turn, nuzzling his neck.

BB-8 beeped impatiently.

_[Have you forgotten maintenance?]_

“Blast,” Poe muttered. Between his visit to medical as well as everything he and Finn had talked about, he had.

He raised his head and looked at the droid.

“Sorry.”

“What is it?” Finn asked.

“I told BB-8 earlier that we'd be doing a major maintenance overhaul of all the fighters. We need to be doing something against the First Order soon, something direct. I know the general is planning _something_ and I want all of them to be ready when the order comes.”

Finn looked at him.

“Remember that conversation we had a little while ago, about you _not_ overworking yourself.”

“Consider this pre-emptive stress minimizing. It's either do this properly now, or dash about madly when we do need those fighters ready which would be a whole lot more stressful. And I'm not going to be alone, the whole maintenance crew will be there.”

“Hmmm.”

Poe took Finn's hand and gently kissed the knuckles.

“I'll see you at dinner, I promise. You can have BB-8 tazer me if I don't show up.”

“Nah, I'll just come down to the hangar and grab you by the scruff of your neck.”

“Deal.”

Finn gave him a quick kiss.

“Okay, go on then. Before I wise up.”

Poe rolled off the bed, pulled on his boots and followed the over eager droid.

Outside the humid midday heat hit him like a hammer, slowly bringing the headache that had been all but gone while he was with Finn, back with a vengeance. His muted groan as they neared the hangar drew a worried queries from BB-8.

“It's nothing buddy, let's go look at those birds.”

 

**oOoOo**

 

Finn spent his afternoon with Sheera, helping with the never ending task of keeping track of the Resistance stores and materiel. After his talk with Poe his head had felt woolly and buzzing, leaving him irritable and with difficulties concentrating.

As much as he enjoyed his freedom it sometimes left him feeling that way, too many choices to make, too much information to constantly process. He had realized he needed some way of winding down and refocus himself, and in the short time he'd officially worked for Sheera he'd found that doing inventory did just that. The simple task of counting and logging item, combined with low manual labor of moving things around, served to bring his attention and focus back where it belong instead of having his thoughts scatter all over the place. So even though he no longer officially sorted under Tifo he'd pop by now and then when he needed to wind down.

She was surprised to see him so soon again and he could tell more than a little worried.

Her tone had been her usual gruff one, but he'd learned to read lekku in a basic fashion over the weeks and the way hers had twitched was a sure sign of emotional stress and worry. Finn hadn't know what to say at that moment without revealing details he'd rather keep to himself, but one good thing about Sheera was that she never pried. Instead she just handed him a list of things that needed checking and let him get to it, if he wanted to talk he knew where he could find her after all.

After half an hour his head had felt enough back to normal that he could think straight. Seeing Poe fall apart like that had been... terrifying. He hadn't ever witnessed anything similar and the situation had made him feel more than a little helpless. He could have sworn he could almost feel Poe's pain as he held him and he fervently wished that he had been able to think of something more to do to help beyond just holding his boyfriend and letting him cry.

It puzzled him how a person could lose so much, carry so much grief and pain, and still function, even act like everything was normal.

He supposed that after a fashion he had lost his world too, but it didn't feel like quite the same thing. There hadn't really been anyone he was close to, not in the way Poe was close to people, the way he was getting close to some of the Resistance fighters. Slip had been the only one, but even with him it hadn't been the same. Not really.

Slip had been all too eager to be a good Stormtrooper despite, or maybe because, of how bad he was at it and that had meant he bought into the 'loyalty to the First Order above all else' spiel that Phasma was so fond of.

Still, Slip had been the one he was the closest to and losing him hurt, though he tried not to think of it. When he did it always led to thoughts of what might have happened had Slip lived, if they ever met on a battle field and those thoughts were even more painful than the thoughts of his fellow trooper's death. Fighting Nines had been hard enough, he didn't even want to _think_ about what it would have felt like having to fight Slip.

Finn realized he'd lost completely track of his count and had to start over, but after a few minutes his thoughts started wandering again.

The General had lost her world too, hadn't she? The First Order only told about her political career and military accomplishments, but even they had had to mention Alderaan's destruction. Though they'd painted the planet as a hot bed of rebel activity, something Finn had doubted even at the time. It had made no sense to him that literally billions of people would turn rebel all at once, without anyone noticing, but then most of the First Order's propaganda hadn't made sense.

His thoughts went to the request Leia had made of him. If he was honest with himself that one made no sense either. Given the similarities between what had happened to them, surely she would be the one who knew what Poe needed right now. Much better than he did anyway.

Finn sighed.

She had looked so sad when she talked about Poe, maybe talking to him would bring back too many of her own memories? He had seen in Poe how much such a wound hurt when fresh, how much would it still hurt after thirty years?

Finn hoped he'd never learn that personally, but he vowed he'd do what he could for Poe. And for general Organa too if she'd let him.

Finn glanced in passing at the chrono and saw it was almost dinner time. He'd better get himself to the mess, not showing up after his lecture to Poe wouldn't look good.

“I'd better head off to dinner,” he said to Sheera as he handed back the datapad. “Sorry I didn't get as much done as I had planned.”

She took it from his hand as she studied him closely.

“You can make up for it another time.” There was an almost imperceptible before she continued in a far too casual tone. “Did the moving go well?”

Finn bit his cheek not to laugh. So, even Sheera's restraint had its breaking point.

“It went good. Great.” If you discounted him running down the General.

“Then why have you spent your afternoon _here_? I'd have thought you two would have been otherwise occupied.”

He felt his face heat up.

“Erm, Poe had some stuff he needed to do and well-” Finn shrugged.

Suddenly the whole thing felt huge. He had complained about things moving too slowly, but now it felt almost as if events were running away with him. Moving together – as much as you could on a military base – and making their relationship official, their conversations – both of them – it was... a lot.

For a moment he felt overwhelmed, but he let the feeling pass then pulled himself together. This wasn't the time for him to fall apart and things were good. Felt like a bit much at this very moment, but good.

“I needed to think,” he finished. “But thank you for asking.”

“Just want to know if I was going to see you around here moping.”

He laughed.

“No, no moping. I promise. Gotta go, promised I'd meet Poe for dinner.”

“Far be it from me to keep you from a date,” Sheera said, returning her attention to her bit work.

Finn chuckled as he left, knowing it would be useless to object to her choice of words. She called it a date no matter what, even that time just after he and Poe had started dating and the pilot had brought over lunch because Finn had been so buried in work he forgot.

It had felt strange having someone look after him like that, but nice too.

Passing by the hangar Finn saw the lights from inside leak into the warm darkness of Istyl's night and the sounds of people at work spilled into the quiet night, mixing with the sounds of the jungle.

On a spur of the moment decision he headed over wanting to surprise his lover, but before he to the door he heard a familiar testy beep from just beyond them.

“I'm going, I'm going,” he heard Poe protest as the door opened and the pilot stepped outside. Spotting Finn he broke into a smile. “See, my escort is here.”

Finn's droid speak might be nonexistent, but the sound that came from BB-8 sounded very much like the electronic version of a raspberry.

“I resent that.”

“What did he say?”

“I am _not_ repeating that.”

Finn couldn't help laughing. The droid had vanished back inside the hangar leaving them to themselves. Hooking his arm in Poe's, Finn tugged at him.

“Come on, I'm starving.”

Silently Poe came along.

 

Normally Poe was one of the loudest at the table, the first to share stories or tell jokes, but tonight he remained silent as he ate. Everyone else was a talkative as ever and seemed not to notice.

Surreptitiously Finn put a hand on Poe's elbow to get his attention and when the pilot looked up from his plate he raised his eyebrow in question, not knowing how to ask what he wanted out loud with so many people around them. Poe smiled wanly in answer and put a hand over Finn's squeezing it softly before returning to eating again.

Finn wasn't sure how to interpret that reply. _Was Poe trying to tell him he was okay and not to worry? That he wasn't really okay, but Finn still shouldn't worry because he was coping? Or that he was grateful for the attention and wanted more._

Finn huffed under his breath. Talking was so much easier than this.

Making a snap decision Finn shifted on the bench so that his and Poe's body touched from shoulder to knee. Poe looked up at him again giving him another smile, a warmer one this time.

 _So it had been the right decision then? Talking was_ still _easier._

After dinner Finn quietly pulled Poe aside, letting everyone else go ahead of them.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorta. Listen, can we have a normal evening?”

Finn nodded.

“Okay.”

Kissing his boyfriend, Finn took Poe's hand and together they drifted off to the lounge, gravitating towards where the pilots and soldiers were gathered.

Finn dropped down on one of the low couches expecting Poe to sit down next to him, so he was a bit surprised when Poe lay down instead, putting his head in Finn's lap. Not that Finn wanted to object, the weight of Poe's head was comforting and was the warmth of the pilot's hand that rested on Finn's knee.

He let his fingers trail through Poe's hair and felt more than heard Poe's grateful sigh due to the loud chatter around them, as he watched the lines in the pilot's face soften under his ministrations.

Conversations rose and fell around them, but Finn felt no urge to join. He often didn't unless he had something specific to add, though he liked being around the other Resistance staff and hearing them talk. He liked these kinds of 'normal' evenings. With the First Order his 'normal' was reading or listening to music – mostly the approved kind, though only if he couldn't get his hands on anything else as the censored things often felt boring and lifeless – rather than sit around with people like here. He might not be the most talkative person, but he enjoyed the company.

Out of nowhere a sudden chill stole over Finn, making him look up and he was unsurprised to see Brans standing at the other end of the room staring vibro blades at him.

Reflexively his hand tightened around Poe's shoulder as if to protect him and the soft smile that had been lingering on his lips gave way to a hard stare.

“You have a problem with that guy?” Jess asked, who had turned her head so that she was looking at Brans as well.

“No. But he might have a problem with me.”

“What kind of problem?” The words came from Dash Felis, one of the Pathfinders serving beside Finn.

“The I-don't-trust-a-Stormtrooper kind.”

“But you're not?” said a young, female lieutenant that Finn couldn't recall the name of.

“For some it's hard to tell the difference. Or they just don't care,” Finn answered, watching as Brans disappeared. He was probably getting more attention than he wanted.

“A true soldier fights not because they hate what's in front of them, but because they love what's behind them,” Poe said as he pushed himself upright.

“That sounds like a quote,” Jess said.

“It was. One my papa is fond of. He had it from one of the other Pathfinders he served with, a colonel Mayim Dhamira.”

“Sounds like wise words,” Felis added.

“She was a wise woman according to my father. And that _is_ what it all comes down isn't it, why we fight.”

“Does it? I mean really?” the female lieutenant asked. “We all want the First Order gone, don't we? Does it matter so much why?”

Poe looked at her.

“Right now maybe not so much, but if we win-”

“When,” Jess interjected.

“ _If_. Nothing is certain. If we don't it won't be for lack of effort, but nothing is guaranteed right now.”

“Way to boost morale, Dameron,” she joked.

“This isn't a morale meeting, Jess,” Poe said before returning his attention to the young woman who had spoken before. “But to return to what I was saying. _If_ we win, then what? And what does winning qualify as? How much bloodshed is enough? And even now, right now, if First Order troops surrender, or aren't active combatants, do we kill them regardless? And after? How do we deal with it all after we win?”

Startled, Finn looked at him. This wasn't a topic he'd brought up with Poe, deep down he had been fearing what his lover's thoughts on it was. After all, Poe had plenty of reasons to hate the First Order and all who served it. So hearing his own words and thoughts – words he'd said to Brans only hours earlier, the thoughts he had been struggling with since before he decided to join up – echoed back like this was a surprise, though a welcome one.

“The way the Republic dealt with it certainly didn't work,” the lieutenant countered, stubbornly holding her ground and breaking Finn's line of thought.

“The theory was sound, if not the execution. They didn't want to punish excessively, but afterwards they kept ignoring the First Order even when it should have been clear it was becoming a threat.”

“So how do we keep it from happening again?”

“By not remaining blind to obvious threats. But that doesn't mean that we should meet out justice with an eye for an eye in mind.”

“If justice is without mercy it just becomes another word for vengeance.” Finn's voice was soft as he spoke, but it still drew everyone's attention.

The young lieutenant immediately looked uncomfortable as if she just remembered who he was and where he was from.

Having everyone look at him made him feel uncomfortable, but it was something he felt needed saying.

“It... was something I read and it's true. The kind of 'justice' that the First Order uses is just that, revenge for a transgression against them. Mitigating circumstances doesn't exist, intentions doesn't matter. If you go against them, they will kill you for it. Is that what you want us to become?”

“No- no I-” She looked down at her hands. “Sorry.”

“I just want you to think things through. If we end up becoming no different from the First Order, there's no point in us fighting at all.”

“So what do you suggest we do? Afterwards?”

“I don't know. I don't have an answer, I'm not even sure that there is a universal answer. I just know that becoming just like them isn't it.”

A somber silence fell when Finn stopped speaking.

It was Jess who finally broke it.

“And here I thought being a fighter pilot would be simple. I signed up for shooting the enemy, not for philosophical debates.”

“But you still made a choice, Jess. A moral one. No one drafted you for the Resistance and as a career move it must be dubious, but all the same you're here. So you made a choice, we all did, that the First Order was wrong and had to be stopped. And we _all_ had our reasons for making that choice. I had mine, you had yours and Brans had his. They may not seem to matter right now, but they do because they determine how we fight, how far we're willing to do, and when the fighting ends they'll matter even more.”

“It- well it felt like the right thing to do,” Dash said after a few moments of silence.

“But why?” Finn asked.

At Tuanul he had know that he was doing the right thing by not firing no matter how terrifying going against orders had felt at the time, but at the time he wouldn't have been able to explain why. The villagers had been shooting at him and his team minutes before and he had had no problem firing back then, but shooting unarmed, unresisting people was wrong he knew that in his heart.

Now he had more words to explain the 'why' of it – that the 'punishment' was disproportionate with the alleged 'crime'; that there was no 'crime', that all the villagers had done was protect their homes from attack, an attack that had been entirely unnecessary if all the First Order had wanted was the map – and while the end result remained the same whether he had those words or not, they were important all the same.

No one around him was forthcoming with any answers, instead they looked about uncomfortably at anything but him, even Poe remained silent, and Finn could feel how atmosphere grew strained as if something was about to break. Silently he rose from his seated and left, knowing that if he stayed something would and not in a good way.

The darkness outside felt warm and welcoming, the noises of the jungle familiar even after the few scant weeks he'd spent here. Finn stopped outside the door and took a deep breath of the fragrant air before beginning to walk again, enjoying still the night after the tension of noise of the crew lounges.

_So much for a 'normal' evening._

Finn hadn't meant to start a debate, but he hadn't been able to remain silent. He could only hope that it wouldn't cost him too many of his new friends.

He heard footsteps approach from behind and stopped, waiting.

“Hey,” came Poe's voice as hands gently grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. “You left so quickly.”

“Didn't want to outstay my welcome.”

“You're _always_ welcome.”

“Not right now. Right now I'm the guy with the uncomfortable questions, they tend to be pretty low on the popularity scale.”

“Maybe, but those questions needs to be asked all the same.”

Finn shrugged and looked away. Poe took his hands in both of his, tangling their fingers. “Let me tell you _my“I fight because I want the people of the galaxy to be free, to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Some of those will bring misery on themselves and others, but that would be nothing compared to what the First Order would spread if they aren't stopped.”_

“A true soldier then,” Finn smiled.

“Yeah, maybe. Like you.”

Finn didn't answer not feeling sure _what_ kind of soldier he was, or was supposed to be. All he had right now was a bunch of question and a knowledge of what the answer _wasn't_ , but it led him no closer to what the answer _was_.

Shaking his head he wrapped his arm around Poe's waist and they started walking in silence, the pilot draping his arm around the younger man's shoulders. Both were lost in their own thoughts as they strolled through the night, seeking their own answers to questions that may have none.

**Author's Note:**

>  _A true soldier fights not because he hates what's in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him._  
>  The quote originally belonged to C. G. Chesterton, but I've given them to an old colleague of Kes'.
> 
> You can find me regularly on the [blue hellsite](https://luminousfinn.tumblr.com).


End file.
